The holidays are hard for the recovering griever. The holidays are mere reminders of the past. The holidays uncover the memories of all of the firsts and the last, the smiles, laughter, joy, and love. And unfortunately for many of us, feeling the effects of the past and the harsh reality of our loss, cause the holidays to stink. Yes, I said it, they stink. Like chicken poop on a summer day. The stench is strong in the air. You just can’t run or hide from them, they are here and in full force.
For me, the holidays are getting better. I am making new memories with the people I love. I am so happy with the way life is going and the doors that are opening in our life. I am slowy surfacing from the drowning effects of grief. I can finally breath.
On Thanksgiving, Timmy (my lovely new husband) was sick. Like in bed, not able to function because of a assumed case of food poisoning. My kids went with their meme for Thanksgiving and I stayed home with the hubs. Again, another change in my normal holiday routine. For this was the first time I have never spent Thanksgiving with my kids or family. With a little bit of my not-so good cooking and a little Christmas decorating, Thanksgiving was good. It was different, but good.
On Thanksgiving night, I was summoned to a crazy Thanksgiving shopping trip with my mom. This made the holiday a lot more tolerable. AND I could not turn down a good deal or time with my momma.
On the way to my shopping trip, I felt the feelings of happiness, sadness, and anxiety grip my body. Satan knows when to attack and hit exactly where it hurts. It usually happens to me when I am alone. You have to know that when I travel alone I jam to some pretty awesome contemporary gospel, I feel incredibly sorry for anyone that sees me coming toward them or is behind me, because this sister has church in her Yukon. They probably think I am flagging them down because my hands are raised to the Lord. And be glad you are not riding with me, Because you would probably want to lay hands on me and pray that the Lord would create in me a heavenly voice. I know He loves my voice and I can only hope he has a way of correcting it as it reaches His ears in heaven.
As I was halfway to my destination, the Lord placed a word on my heart. I believe this word was given due to a song I heard dealing with grief and overcoming it. The Lord has a way of showing me what he wants me to hear by music, and usually when I hear God speak to me its like I have a sudden blonde moment, like a light bulb comes on. A ah-ha moment.
This is what the Lord placed on my heart to share with those treading through the holidays in some sort of grieving manner. He said, “Lacey, I love you. Remember, that I am protecting you with my hand and hedge of protection, TRUST ME. Enjoy what I have given you. Be present in every moment you have. NOW, if you go beyond my hedge or let go of MY hand, be afraid, because you have stepped out of my will.”
UMMM, I knew all of this, but when it was stated that way I totally got it. God knew the exact moment I needed to hear Him. He always knows.
I believe God was saying “Lacey, trust me, I love you, wherever you go in my borders I will keep you, any farther than that, your on your own,” and just like that I got it. His will is clear to me when I put my total trust in Him. When I stay in His pasture, in His fence, I will be good. I am His daughter and as long as I stay in His back yard I will have fun and live abundantly.
You see I fear so much. The uncertainty of the future and the future of my children. I fear the loss of my new husband or a child. I fear a lot. Why do you think I fear like I do? I believe it is due to the lack of trust I have. The letting go of control hinders the Lord from allowing his full peace and joy to fill me. And I can say that I sit on the fence of fully trusting the Lord and trusting me.
What if I got off the fence and just stood in His pasture on his side, with his full protection? Would I feel anxiety or fear? Well I certainly think anxiety and fear are not present in His field. Anxiety and fear do not come from the Lord. These feelings come from the other side of the fence, my side. And why do I have one leg over the fence on my side, because of the flesh. We want to control what happens. We want to fix and make our own joy. I want to stop uncertainty. I want control the hurt. I want to stop the possibility of loss. Clearly, Jesus saw my hard headed ways and decided to break it to me gently.
As I rode a little longer pondering on the word that Lord had placed on my heart I thought, “I am tired of riding the fence, I am getting splinters and my bottom is sore and throbbing from sitting here so long. Its time to jump over and allow the Lord to protect me with His fence, hedge, and hand.” I can’t not say I have let go of the fence or have my foot off yet, but I am a work in progress.
The key to help accomplish the will of God is to stay on His turf. Anything outside of that is BAD.
Anything in His will and in His protection will be okay. Better than okay, beautiful.
I hope this blog post can help those dreading the holidays. I hope the Lord has used me to share one thing, we can’t ride the fence with Him. We trust Him or we do not. We are thankful that we are surrounded by His protection. Because anything beyond that will make these next couple of months miserable. Trust that this season is planned and ordained carefully by God. Trust that within the limits of His will, we can be joyful and happy simply because He loves us and has us in the palm of His hands.
God is truly our father. He is truly our savior. He is truly our protector.
Those who trust in themselves are fools, but those who walk in wisdom are kept safe. Proverbs 28:26